Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

#8: Helen Mirren With a Gun

Posted: January 19, 2011 in Movies

Last night I saw the movie Red. If you don’t know, Red is a ridiculous action movie which was – for some totally inexplicable reason – nominated for a Golden Globe. In the movie Bruce Willis, Mary-Louis Parker, Morgan Freeman and John Malkovich each play their own most token characters; Bruce is a CIA retiree with a heart but no qualms about kicking your ass, Mary-Louis is a wide-eyed, beautiful woman with issues and no particular skills, Morgan is the wisened old mentor guy with God/Jesus-like tendencies and John is a lovable psychopath whose brain has been irrevocably fucked by years of LSD use. The basic plot concept is that Bruce has been targeted by a CIA assassin for being RED; retired and extremely dangerous, and he has to figure out who ordered the hit and take them down before they get him. I love that by the way, RED, I’m going to start using it all the time: “Have you met the old couple who live next door? The husband is cute, but the lady is RED.” Yeah I know, stop trying to make fetch happen, it’s not going to happen…

Anyway, speaking of RED, about an hour into the movie Helen Mirren shows up as her token character; the sweet, proper old lady.

Oh heeey Helen Mirren, nice flower! Aw…

Whacha got there Helen Mirren?

WHAAAA??

WHAAAAA???

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA??????

So uh, yeah. That happened… and ya know what? It was (say it with me) TOTALLY AWESOME! Wow. Helen Mirren should never not have a gun. I think someone needs to go back and edit The Queen and Calendar Girls and Teaching Mrs. Tingle so that Helen Mirren is always packing heat, I mean COME ON:

HELEN MIRREN WITH A GUN! BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED! I don’t know about you, but I’m a granola-munching, compulsive-recycling, organic-buying socialist vegan and Helen Mirren just convinced me to buy a gun.

Okay, not REALLY, guns are bad kids, stay in school, blah blah blah, but you just can’t deny that

Helen Mirren with a gun is TOTALLY AWESOME.

SHWAhelenmirren’sgungoesBAM!

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#7: Sharktopus

Posted: January 15, 2011 in Movies

A couple of months ago I was perusing TVGuide.com and I did a sort of double take as something incredible caught my eye. There, under ‘things to watch tonight’ was the word Sharktopus, and underneath it the following blurb:

“If you’re only going to watch one film about a shark-octopus hybrid that roars, walks on land and leaves a body count in its wake, then make it this one.”

Go ahead and read that again. Then watch this:

So, uh, clearly I went straightaway and told my tv to record it, but then I forgot all about it and went about my life. Then, a couple of weeks ago I remembered that I had it, and after multiple failed attempts I finally hoodwinked the posse into watching it with me, because no one should have to be alone during something that awesome. (PS: You know how I know I have the greatest friends in the world? Because they’re constantly humoring me with shit like this. <3Posse4Lyfe<3)

And by golly it was TOTALLY AWESOME.

Now, I feel the need to be serious for a moment here and note that I was watching this thing sitting next to a real life filmmaker who actually creates poignant, meaningful art via film, and I completely recognize and am appalled that there are so many people struggling to get their heartfelt, creative work off the ground while the American public and media throw money at things like Sharktopus, and bad reality television and mind-numbing pop music. That having been said, I do think it is possible to consume popular media without being consumed by it. We don’t have to deny our culture to be critical of it; there is a distinct difference between being a part of the society and being a part of the problem.

But enough seriousness, because let’s be real, that which is totally awesome is rarely ever serious.

Bottom line: Sharktopus is not a good movie by any definition. It’s horribly made, the dialogue is terrible, the acting is cringe-worthy, the special effects look like they came out of the 70’s, there’s no real plot line or character development, just a lot of half naked 20-somethings playing on beaches and then being brutally murdered by a sharktopus, which, as promised, roars and walks on land. However if you, like me, are the kind of person who enjoys bad slasher flicks and watching small children fall over, who might accidentally watch multiple episodes of the Jersey Shore or find themselves flipping through Justin Bieber’s autobiography in Borders, this movie is for you. Once you start watching it’s pretty hard to look away, and you might just end up rooting for Sharktopus in his noble quest to attack people in the most outrageous ways possible while avoiding capture by his douchebag creators.

So yeah, Sharktopus. Totally AWESOME. Go watch it.

Shwabam…topus.